Since you’ve clicked on the title of this post, it’s probably been a while since you’ve felt really desired by your husband…sexually. How long has it been? How long has it been since you’ve felt truly wanted?
Truly craved by your man?
However long, chances are, it’s been too long. And you’re most likely having a hard time making sense of his aloofness regarding sexuality between you two. Or maybe your man is not aloof – maybe he’s outright resisting sex all together. Ouch. Painful.
His lack of desire is probably causing you a lot of pain – it’s very hurtful to doubt your desirability and to feel so unimportant. I really feel for you. Truly.
I could understand completely how lonely you must feel.
Keep reading and I’m going to tell you about a likely reason why this might be happening, and what you can do about it.
But here’s a warning: It might sting a little for you though – because I’m going to show you why your husband’s lackluster sexuality may have something to do with you.
But keep reading, and be open, and be humble, and if you take my advice to heart, you’ll watch your sex life transform dramatically for the better. That’s my promise. And that’s what I want for you.
Here we go.
Thanks to pop-psychology and some real bad male role-modeling, there’s a dangerous cultural myth and stereotype out there regarding men and sexuality. It goes something like this:
- Men are pigs
- Men will screw anyone or anything that moves
- Men don’t have feelings
- Sex for men is purely physical
So naturally, if you’ve been buying into this myth, it must be very hard to understand why your husband isn’t interested sexually. Why he’s so detached from you. You’ve most likely made sense of his lack of enthusiasm by thinking any or all of the following:
- My husband is sleeping with someone else
- My husband must be obsessed with porn
- My husband may be gay
- My husband is old and not virile
There’s a good chance, none of this is true.
So, what is it?
The first thing you need to know is how absolutely and utterly wrong these cultural myths and stereotypes about men are. I can’t say that enough. Men, despite their stereotype of being devoid of any feelings, are actually highly emotional and sensitive creatures. If you’re a mother to a son, you know this to be true. Lots of feelings reside in little boys and your husband isn’t any different.
Men have lots of feelings – just like you. We feel sad. We feel lonely. We feel anxious. We feel scared. And we get our feelings hurt. We rarely, if ever, say anything about these big feelings, but we feel them nonetheless.
So what does this have to do with his lack of sexual enthusiasm?
And men, just like you, NEED to have a certain level of emotional safety in order for them to FULLY engage sexually. Do you like getting naked with your man when your feelings are hurt? Of course not. And neither does he.
OK, now that we’re on the same page, let me tell you where it’s going horribly wrong and why it’s impacting your sex life.
How you make him anxious
You see, the thing about your man is that he’s a sensitive guy, actually. Really sensitive and he get’s his feelings hurt easy. He’d never admit it (not yet anyway), but it’s true.
And so, you know those moments when you’re so frustrated and at your wits end with him? You know those times when you feel so hurt and rejected by him? He’s late again. He forgot to do this or to do that. Yeah, those times.
When you feel so unimportant to him – like you just don’t matter…you begin to nag him. Complain. Roll your eyes. Because you’re angry, I get it. You criticize him in subtle ways. You may even put him down. Not all the time, but maybe just enough times that he’s feeling like he needs to protect himself from you. Not physically, just emotionally.
I want to tell you this because I’m afraid you’re not seeing it.
Because you’ve been lied to as well. You’ve been taught that guys don’t have feelings too.
I remember reading a book once by a brilliant couples therapist and he said, “Criticism has no place in intimate relationships. Even constructive criticism.” I’ll never forget that because I believe there is so much truth in it.
If your relationship contains criticism, complaints, disapproval, and just overall ugly demeaning behavior, it’s bound to kill the mood in the bedroom. Who would want to get naked with someone they feared secretly hated them?
Seeing Yourself Clearly
Chances are, you probably haven’t put two and two together. You haven’t connected the dots on how subtle criticizing and disapproving looks is keeping you from getting the physical connecting you yearn for.
It’s such a bummer, actually. Truly, I feel for you. Because I know it can be better for you.
Chances are, maybe, it’s hard for you to be vulnerable and open? Maybe, it’s been a challenge for you to express your deepest self. Maybe no one ever really helped you trust that it was safe to be open.
So now, it’s an incredible lonely and frustrating place to be.
You don’t want to be in this place and you’re probably having a hard time figuring out how to change your situation.
How is this possible?
And so now, you might be with a man that has totally checked out sexually. He’s in his own self-protective mode and has resigned to distancing himself from you because he fears more disapproval.
That’s him. Anxious, scared, shut-down, waiting for more disapproval. He fears he can’t do anything right.
Remember all those big feelings I mentioned boys have?
Every time you show disapproval or disappointment with him – he shuts down. He melts into himself. He gets busy – goes to work or does something to escape the onslaught of anxious feelings he has.
Now he’s obsessed with work. Maybe he’s gone to porn. Something that helps him feel competent and less anxious.
Criticism is Familiar to Him
There’s a good chance your man comes from at least one or two parents that were highly critical of him. It didn’t have to be a chaotic family. It could have been very subtle. And so, when you criticize him, he gets taken back in time to a place where he felt young and helpless. To survive the criticism, he shuts down as a coping mechanism. He physically and or emotionally avoids you.
Here’s the equation: Criticism leads to anxiety, which leads to him shutting down, which leads to more criticism, which leads to a lonely bedroom. As anxiety is the poison pill for intimacy.
We cannot have meaningful sexual contact when there is anxiety in the relationship.
I’m curious…have you ever considered this? The part where your husband might feel the need to emotionally protect himself from you? And in turn, stays out of the bed? If you’ve gotten this far, I’m impressed. Of course, I know you’re not all to blame. I know. He has his part for sure.
The Way Out
Your journey out of this predicament is to see yourself and your husband more accurately. You might confuse his stoicism for a lack of real feelings. You might think you’re not hurting him and you’re actually crushing him. I want to tell you a secret: Your husband is a total pretender. He pretends to not care. To not get hurt. But inside, he’s dying. He’s thinking constantly how to win your approval. He’s a sensitive little guy, actually.
Can you work on this? For the sake of your family – can you work on trying to be more open and vulnerable? Being more kind? Caring? Genuine? Open? Connecting? Peaceful? Accepting? More of all that good stuff.
This requires you to become less defensive and more gracious.
When you do this, I promise you, your husband will respond in ways that will utterly blow you away.
You will see someone that for many years you believed was incapable of being connected and emotional with you. You will see him meeting you at the table.
And meeting you in the bedroom.
Learning how to shift from being critical and contemptuous (our defensive positions) to open and vulnerable (our intimate positions) will crush the anxiety your man may feel. The end result is being with a man that craves you because he feels safe. If you want your man to ravish you, it starts with ratcheting up being kind. It can be that simple.
Anything short of this and you have very little chance for a quality sex life. You can do it, I know!
CONNECT WITH ME
If you’d like to start a conversation about how we could work together, please shoot me an email. I’d love to hear what is going on for you and how I could help.