Quentin Hafner


We’ve all been taught since we were little boys that “being nice” was the way to go.

That “being nice” was the higher road.

Conventional wisdom and even other marriage counselors suggest “being more nice” as a way to improve your marriage or relationship.

“If you were just nicer, things would be better” they say….

I want to share with you quickly 3 reasons WHY this is absolutely the wrong strategy for being a better husband and having a great marriage, AND 3 things to do instead:

Instead of “being nice”, be KINDLY HONEST.

We’ve been taught since we were little boys that “being nice” meant stuffing our feelings and giving up what felt important to us.

Messages around being “sacrificial” have been totally contorted to the point where we’ve come to believe that being honest about what’s important to us was somehow wrong.

When we stop being honest about our thoughts and emotions, we can’t help but become resentful, angry, and depressed.

Your wife craves your honesty I promise, we just have to learn HOW to deliver it in the right way. You can still be a really good guy, and be honest about things.


Instead of “being nice”, be KINDLY ASSERTIVE.

Similarly to honesty, society has taught us that the “right way” to be good husbands was to be passive and deferential.

It’s sounds nice in theory but it ends up creating a bunch of passive-aggressive and miserable husbands.

Then your wife complains that she doesn’t really know you or feel close to you because you’ve spent so much of your life believing that letting her win and “being nice” at the cost of you losing was the better way.

It wasn’t. But it’s not your fault.

You were taught to be passive and deferential. When we’re passive for too long, we’ll end up flipping the switch to aggressive, if we don’t know how to be assertive. We have to learn HOW to be assertive. Assertiveness is simply being true to yourself and not being afraid to honor it.

Instead of “being nice”, BE PRESENT.

We’ve been taught also that what it means to be a good husband is to simply show up and be a “good listener”.

Like it’s our jobs to act as surrogate therapists for our wives. It’s not.

Being a good listener is only half the equation. We have to be good share’rs too. We have to get into the game of the relationship.

We have get in the game and show up and learn how to express ourselves. Being a good husband isn’t just about catching all your wife’s feelings. You have feelings too (you and I both know this) and it’s important that you learn HOW to share them with her.

Culture and society have lied to you (and me) and tried to convince us that we just need to “be there for her”.   That’s only 1/2. Your wife craves for you to show up and reveal more of yourself too. We just have to learn HOW – likely something we haven’t been taught.

The good news is that all of this is totally learnable.

There’s a better way. No, it’s not just a better way, it’s really the only way. The quicker you realize you’ve been lied to and the way you’re likely doing it won’t work, the quicker you’re going to have the peace and content you’re looking for in your marriage. I promise.

Let’s change the world together and reclaim the nobility in being a great husband.


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