When guys in my community ask me why and how my marriage works so well (I brag about my marriage often because I have invested a lot of hard work, intentionality, and sacrifice to create what it has become), they’re often expecting a list of practical tips or communication hacks. Especially from me, as a therapist who has an endless amount of helpful advice and tools.
While good advice and helpful tools have their place, the real reason my marriage is so successful is rooted in something much deeper—something that most marriage counselors won’t ever teach you.
And that is FIVE SPECIFIC TENETS from my Christian faith.
**please hear me out**
(If the words Christian faith trigger you, I totally get it. I was very secular for most of my life and I wanted nothing to do with Christianity. And if that’s where you are at, that is totally OK. I want to encourage you to read the below article anyway, because it’s super applicable to anyone in any relationship.)
Tenet #1
Repentance: Full Acknowledgment of Shortcomings
In the Christian tradition, we believe that we are always and continually falling short of the ideal, and therefore, we live rooted in repentance. Repentance is not just a one-time act; it’s a mindset. In Christianity, repentance means turning away from what is less than ideal and aligning ourselves with God’s will. In marriage, repentance means acknowledging that I am often wrong, selfish, and unloving…and taking intentional steps to change.
This isn’t about wallowing in guilt. It’s about taking responsibility for my actions and humbling myself. When I repent, I’m saying, “I see where I fell short, and I’m committed to doing better.” This is a perpetual state of mind and this level of accountability creates a culture of humility.
Marriage counseling often emphasizes communication techniques or conflict resolution strategies, but few secular approaches address the heart of the issue: our own flawed nature.
I say it’s like lipstick on a pig. Until you’re willing to acknowledge the deeper, heart-level dilemma, you’ll just play a game of ‘whack a mole’ on problem after problem.
Without repentance, you get superficial Band-Aid solutions.
Repentance is not easy. Admitting where you’ve fallen short requires vulnerability and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself. It’s eating the humble pie, but worth it because every great relationship requires it.
Tenet #2
Sanctification: The Lifelong Refinement Process
In the Christian tradition, the word sanctification is the process of becoming more like Christ, and it’s a journey that never ends. Our faith tradition believes that Christ set the ideal standard for us, and our job is to grow more like him on this side of heaven.
In the context of marriage, sanctification means allowing the relationship to refine me, to chip away at the parts of me that need refinement.
Marriage is one of God’s primary tools for sanctification. It’s easy to be patient, kind, and loving when everything is going smoothly, but marriage often reveals the parts of us that we’d rather not see: impatience, irritation, and selfishness. Instead of running from these moments, I see them as opportunities for growth because sanctification is a cornerstone principle in my life.
I don’t need my wife to tell me the things I’ve done are wrong, I already see my fault before she can say anything. This is personal responsibility at its highest level.
Every time my spouse and I face a conflict or misunderstanding, it’s a chance for me to ask, “How is God trying to grow me through this?” Instead of viewing my spouse as the problem, I look inward and see all of my own shortcomings.
The work of sanctification can feel exhausting because it’s never-ending. It’s hard to look inward and face the parts of yourself that need to grow and change. But it’s worth it because freedom is getting out of the blame-game and moving into self-responsibility.
Tenet #3
Forgiveness: The Ultimate Conflict Resolution Skill
When I realize how much I have been forgiven for all of my human flaws and shortcomings, it’s very easy for me to forgive my wife for all of her flaws and shortcomings.
Forgiveness is the bonding agent that glues our marriage together. In Christian tradition, forgiveness isn’t optional; it’s a command. And it’s an easy command to follow when you have an honest ability to own your own shortcomings.
Forgiveness in marriage means choosing to let go of resentment, even when the hurt feels justified. When you’re living in forgiveness, you’re never keeping a tally. Forgiveness is about releasing the burden of resentment for the sake of the greater good of the relationship. Holding onto grudges only creates emotional distance and hostility, as where forgiveness opens the door to reconciliation and healing.
In our relationship, forgiveness is a daily practice. Because we’re flawed humans, and we inevitably hurt each other, by extending forgiveness, we create a safe space where mistakes can be acknowledged without fear of rejection. This doesn’t mean there are no consequences or boundaries, but it does mean that grace always has the final word.
Forgiveness can feel like an impossible task, especially when the hurt runs deep. But when we really sit with how much we have been forgiven for, forgiveness toward others is very easy. And the payoff is not drinking the poison of bitterness anymore.
Tenet #4
Purpose: Marriage Isn’t About My Happiness
One of the most settling realizations for me in marriage is that God has called me to be a husband to my wife. The Christian tradition teaches that marriage is a spiritual calling, not a relationship where my needs being met are the primary motive. For me, marriage is so much bigger than a romantic partnership; it’s a spiritual calling. My role as a husband is not about pursuing my own happiness, but about fulfilling a higher mission on this short ride on earth.
This perspective shifts everything. When I see my marriage as part of God’s bigger plan, I’m less focused on fleeting emotions and more committed to long-term faithfulness. Happiness becomes a byproduct of this spiritual calling, not the primary goal. Instead of asking, “Am I happy?”, or “Are my needs getting met?”, Christian tradition compels me to ask, “Am I honoring God in the way I love and serve my spouse?”
Most couples today are consumed with being “happy,” and a “what’s in it for me” mentality. While happiness is a wonderful thing, it’s not sustainable if it’s the main goal. Happiness ebbs and flows, but a sense of calling endures. By embracing marriage as a spiritual calling, I have a deeper sense of purpose and fulfillment that goes far beyond personal satisfaction.
Which ironically, makes me very happy.
Shifting your perspective from seeking happiness to embracing a bigger purpose is hard because it goes against everything society tells us (but can we all agree that most in society have it horribly wrong). It requires discipline to see beyond the immediacy of emotions and focus on the bigger picture of your legacy. But when you do, the payoff is being free from the enslavement of emotional impulses.
Tenet #5
Spiritual Leadership: Taking Full Responsibility for the Relationship
As a husband rooted in Christian faith, I take the role of spiritual leadership in my marriage very seriously. This means that I see myself as the one ultimately responsible for the health and success of the relationship. When something isn’t working well, my first instinct is not to look outward at my wife but to look inward and ask, “Where have I gone wrong?”
In the Christian tradition, spiritual leadership is not about power, control, or being in-charge—it’s about service and empowerment to those entrusted to me. This means that when there is conflict, misunderstanding, or disconnection in my marriage, I don’t wait for my wife to take the first step toward resolution. Instead, I lead; owning my role as the one who sets the tone for reconciliation.
This level of responsibility can feel weighty, but it’s also incredibly freeing, and this freedom is what so many men neglect to see. When I embrace the mindset that everything in my marriage is, in some way, my fault and my responsibility to address, I eliminate the blame game entirely. I’m not waiting for my wife to change or meet me halfway—I don’t care if she does or doesn’t – I simply focus on how I can lead us better and I am set free from the trappings of “well, look at what you did…”
Traditional marriage counseling emphasizes fairness—a word I believe is at the roots of most failed relationships. People that strive for “fairness” in relationships will soon be out of the relationship because it puts people in a mindset waiting for the other person to “be fair”, and make the first move. This “you go, then I’ll go” mentality will kill your marriage, I promise. As a leader, I always go first and never wait for my wife to reciprocate to make things “fair”.
Being the spiritual leader isn’t really about tactics, it’s about having a deeper, God-centered conviction to commit myself to the helm of our marital ship, and take responsibility for reaching our magical island destination in the sun.
Stepping into spiritual leadership is daunting because it feels like a heavy burden. It takes courage to stop pointing fingers and decide that you are the responsible one. But the burden that gets lifted when your internal well-being is no longer dependent on what somebody else does or does not do, is priceless.
What Typical Marriage Counseling Misses
Most marriage counseling approaches may focus on communication skills, love languages, or mutual interests, but they rarely touch on the deeper heart issues that ultimately drive relationships into the grave.
Without repentance, a couple might learn to “fight fair” but never address the underlying pride or selfishness that fuels conflict.
Without sanctification, they may settle for superficial small behavior changes instead of striving for deep growth and character change.
Without forgiveness, a couple may coexist with underlying resentments, but never truly experience real intimacy that God intends for marriage.
Without seeing marriage as a purposeful spiritual calling, a typical couple will strive for being “happy” only to find that the pursuit of happiness is the reason they are so miserable.
And without men stepping into a servant leadership role, a typical couple will die in a stalemate of “fairness”.
The Invitation to go Deeper
If you’ve found yourself stuck in your marriage, consider this: Maybe the tension you feel inside of your relationship is the blinking neon sign God is using to try to speak to you…to try doing marriage his way. You’ve probably tried it your way, or the marriage counselor’s way, and you know the superficial fixes don’t work.
As a therapist and someone anchored in Christian tradition, I have found that God’s way for marriage help trumps any and all human ways for marriage help. Following these five tenets have made my marriage a source of joy no self-help book or therapy session ever could.
So, the next time you’re tempted to seek answers in another marriage book, or counseling session, consider looking to the timeless truths of these five tenets of Christianity to get your marriage on track. You might just find that what your marriage needs most isn’t a new strategy, but a new heart.
If this resonates with you, and you’re curious about how to explore these principles or incorporate faith into your marriage, I’d love to connect with you. Whether you’re already a person of faith or simply open to exploring what this could look like in your relationship, let’s have a conversation. Together, we can dive deeper into these ideas and create a path forward for your marriage that aligns with purpose, grace, and growth.
Feel free to reach out—I’d be honored to talk with you.
