13 mindset shifts to becoming the perfect partner

After nearly two decades and 25,000 hours of working with people as a therapist and a coach, I am very certain that most people struggle in relationships, not because they do the wrong things, but because they think the wrong things.

Our perception (thinking) is nearly everything when it comes to relationships working well, or not working well.

At the end of the day, having a great relationship is much less about having all the right skills, tools, and methods, but instead having the right mindset.

Marriage is a mindset game.

When you have the right mindset, you don’t have to stress about “doing all the right things”, because your mindset shifts alone will take you as far as you ever want to go.

Here are 13 Mindset Shifts that the best couples in the world live out.

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1. Understand that Radical love requires radical acceptance. Cultivate the mindset of fully accepting your partner as they are, embracing both their strengths and flaws. Adult love is a conscious choice to embracing the whole person, as they are, right now.

2. Don’t just tolerate the differences, celebrate them. Shift your mindset to see your partner’s unique traits as assets, not obstacles. Their unique differences are always complementary to you, and so we learn from them, and not judge them.

3. See the innocence in them, especially when you feel hurt. Train your mind to recognize the innocent little child that is your partner during conflict. This perspective fosters empathy and softens tension.

4. Tell the truth, gently, when you feel hurt. Shift to a mindset of radical honesty, where truth-telling creates more intimacy by always telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Just do it softly and kindly.

5. Never, ever, under any circumstance, blame each other. Adopt a mindset that views challenges as opportunities for inward looking. Blame is corrosive to relationships, so approach every issue with curiosity, asking, “How can I improve?” instead of seeking fault.

6. Look always for solutions, never fault. Embrace a mindset of being a team in the face of dilemmas, and instead of “me against you”, it’s “us against the world.”

7. Take responsibility for your character defects daily. Foster a mindset of personal accountability and that you have a part to play in everything. A great relationship starts with self-responsibility. Reflect regularly on your behavior, own your shortcomings, and commit to doing the inner work.

8. Never project unmet childhood longings onto your partner; instead, grieve the past. Shift your mindset to recognize that your partner cannot fulfill your childhood past. They can’t be your mommy or your daddy. Grieve what you lost in childhood so you can see your partner for who they are, not who you fantastically wish they were.

9. Let them be a mystery; stay curious about who they are and are not. Cultivate a mindset of curiosity and wonder. Resist the urge to believe you “know” them. You know some of them, but more of them is an untapped galaxy of mystery.

10. Love them the way they feel loved, not how you prefer to show love. Shift your mindset to focus on how they feel loved. Don’t get them gifts because you like giving gifts, etc. That’s loving yourself, not them.

11. Don’t ask them to change, but change your perspective of them. Instead of seeking to change your partner, shift your mindset to change how you perceive them. It’s so much easier to change your perspective about how you see them, than trying to make them be somebody they are not.

12. Be generous at giving the benefit of the doubt. Adopt a mindset of giving lots of grace. Practice assuming good intentions, even when you’re tempted to jump to suspicious conclusions.

13. Once you learn to accept them (#1), work towards admiring them. Cultivate the mindset of admiration. Acceptance is the baseline, but admiration is what fuels passion and legacy stories.

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Most people think great relationships are about luck, compatibility, shared interests, or great sex.

They’re not.

They’re about perspective.

This isn’t the easy way, but it’s the only way to build a relationship that lasts.

Pick one of these 13 perspective shifts and start living it today. Then another. And another. And watch your relationship change.

If you’re ready to up-level you any part of your life, please contact me so we can start a conversation.